i truly believe that my ancestors guided me to a gift on my last night in the philippines last year. if i didn't go out dancing with my cousin on halloween, who knows how far behind i would be right now. being hungover on the flight home sucked, but it was the first domino that needed to fall in order to eject me from a relationship that was holding me back from becoming the best version of myself. had that not happened, i would have spent far too long not knowing the type of monster that i had let in. it took me a few months and i accepted more bullshit than i should have because i have a kind heart and want desperately to believe the best in people. i have a more discerning eye for cruelty now. i am confident and i finally love myself as much as i have loved other people. i am so fucking blessed.
i don't scroll through short form content very often but sometimes i will if that is what i can fit in with what i am doing during my work day. i don't know what the fuck poisoned my feed but today i got a video that used woowoo speak to warn against going to clubs and bars because of the "low vibrational" energy. i think people should be discerning when navigating spiritual spaces online. i don't know. it seemed stupid as fuck to me because a lot of my more positive spiritual encounters have happened while i was out partying. i have one guide in particular that loves it when i dance. it just feels like a lot of new age content is colored by unprocessed religious indoctrination.
i've spent so much of my life being shy and self conscious. i tend to carry myself in a very rigid and controlled manner. when i was in elementary school i didn't care what people thought about me and actually really enjoyed standing out and how people would comment on how weird i was. i liked making people uncomfortable. i thought it was funny. then i started to accumulate layers of social armor. i've spent most of my adulthood trying to rediscover the confidence of a child. it's been such a process trying to undo it all. how strange is it that going out and dancing always feels like i am commiting some huge act of bravery?