i talked to skye today and i was finally able to be emotionally open and vulnerable with someone about my past relationship nonsense without feeling like a burden. i've kept my feelings trapped inside of me for too long and i only recently started journaling about them again. talking to another person is so much more insightful and builds connection. apparently part of my issue was this feeling of shame that i had built up around discussing failed relationships. part of it was that my last relationship reactivated my childhood wound of expressing my emotions and seeking understanding but being met with punishment instead. i think another part of it was that i was used to shouldering so much of other people's emotional burdens. eventually they weighed so heavily on me that i tried to set boundaries with them and someone that used to be my best friend didn't like that and disappeared. it made me feel guilty for expressing my limitations. i've done a lot of thinking and the reason that it felt like "too much" for me was that they became comfortable with staying stuck and it was bringing me down. it wasn't having to share someone's pain that i had an issue with, i am happy to do so. it's just that i can't try to help someone that doesn't want help and i needed off the hamster wheel.
anyway i didn't want to inflict the same damage onto someone else but venting is okay when i need it. it's so weird for me to say that i had to relearn this lol. i love to change and grow and my friends know that about me. it's visible. i've transformed a lot. over and over again, like the magical girl that i am. such an unnessary worry for me to have. i can't believe i closed myself off from being vulnerable for so long, like it is literally one of my strengths wtf. it's so silly because i have literally shared this worry about being a burden with skye years ago that cycle is done. i am not a burden. my friends love me and they aren't going to run away if i express big feelings sometimes. i love my friends so much and i am so lucky to have them <3