i talked to skye today and i was finally able to be emotionally open and vulnerable with someone about my past relationship nonsense without feeling like a burden. i've kept my feelings trapped inside of me for too long and i only recently started journaling about them again. talking to another person is so much more insightful and builds connection. apparently part of my issue was this feeling of shame that i had built up around discussing failed relationships. part of it was that my last relationship reflected my childhood wound of expressing my emotions and seeking understanding but being made to feel like they didn't matter instead. i think another part of it was that i was used to shouldering so much of other people's emotional burdens. eventually they weighed so heavily on me that i tried to set boundaries with them and someone that used to be my best friend didn't like that and disappeared. i didn't want to do this to someone else but venting is okay when i need it. i actually like providing emotional support for my friends and it feels nice knowing people feel safe coming to me with their problems. it's one of the things i value in my friendships and i hate that i had to relearn that. it just becomes impossible to deal with when someone has no intention of releasing or resolving their problems. i can't help someone comfortable with staying stuck and it was bringing me down and stressing me out. i'm not bitter about anything and i don't hate the people that hurt me. i appreciate the expansion we had while we were on the same path and they were incredibly important as far as healing goes, even if it had to be the hard way. they just don't deserve to be in my life anymore because i need people that want to grow with me.
i can't believe i closed myself off from being vulnerable for so long, like it is literally one of my strengths wtf. it's so silly because i have literally shared this worry about being a burden with skye years ago. that cycle is done forever. i am not a burden. my friends love me and they aren't going to run away if i express big feelings sometimes. i love my friends so much and i am so lucky to have them <3